Crazy Regular #1

Dear "Crazy Regular #1"

I have to start by telling you what a LOVELY singing voice you have. It is very reminiscent of the Robert Pattinson track on the Twilight soundtrack. As my sister Katie describes it, Tracy Chapman after having a stroke.

As much as your soothing melodic voice at 6 in the morning may seem entertaining to you, it makes myself and my staff want to shoot ourselves in the head. I would appreciate it if you could keep it at a low hum until outside our building. Let yourself shine on the streets of New York, you may even be able to make a few bucks on it using the acoustics of the subway systems to echo your talent.

Also, going forward, I would appreciate it if any self primping (including, but not limited to cutting your hair/applying your make up) at our cafe tables ceases immediately. This could be considered a health hazard. Not my words, those are actually from the health department.

Now, for your concerns regarding the literature in the store. I hear through the grapevine you would like to speak personally to me about what we are carrying. As my assistant manager informed you, I am on maternity leave for the next six months, so please feel free to find me after my pretend child is born. I would also like to thank you for believing this lie, especially since you have seen me everyday since this was told to you, yet still ask when I am coming back.

I can't tell you enough how I appreciate your business. It's rare to find a customer willing to pay $1.81 everyday to take up a whole table in your cafe for five hours. You, are an absolute gem and I look forward to seeing what other conversations we will have regarding your special behaviors in the future.

Sincerely,

Maggie