Cherry Coke Stealer

Dear “Man Demanding my can of Cherry Coke”,

Let me first of all point out that is just plain rude. You don’t walk up to a stranger demanding their delicious beverage, I don’t care how cracked out you are. As you can also see, I am just leaving work, and all day long I have thought about how delicious this little can of heaven was going to taste on my way home. You cannot have it.

You should be able to tell by the way the can is becoming distorted in my hand, I have an iron grip on this, and there is no way in hell you’re going to get it. I am sure that any other person at this moment in time would just cave in to the scary nature of you, but what you don’t understand is I just finished dealing with and caving in to demanding people all day long, because that is what I am paid to do. You picked the wrong lady buddy, because on my time off the clock, I’ll be damned if I am going to cave into anyone else’s demands. Clearly, I’m ready to be assaulted over a can of cherry coke right now, that is how serious I am about this mentality.

I wish I could say that I am sorry our security staff tackled you outside, but I’m not. Again, you were rude, and I wish they had the authority to do that to every rude person I encounter everyday, not just the threatening one’s outside the building I run into. Furthermore, I think you owe me an apology because this is now warm and flat from my firm grip on it during our encounter.

Enjoy your time incarcerated tonight scumbag, and please don’t ever mess with a retail worker leaving work again. You’re not going to win.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Note to reader, if that reader is my mom, don’t worry this happened years ago in SF, not New York. Also, I drink diet coke now, far less appealing to crack addicts so I am safe.

Pop Princess' Mom

Dear “80’s pop star princess’ mom”,

We appreciate having your daughter with us here today, and might I add, she is absolutely lovely. How do I say this delicately though… your micromanaging of the situation is entirely unnecessary, we have this totally under control. A nicely formed line, with many staff members directing traffic, is all the organization you need for this mind-blowing event. I am sure back in her hay day, the malls were a mad house of over zealous teens, but this crowd is a little different, she is safe here.

This is a signing for her playboy cover ma’am. It is in the Castro in San Francisco, and we have an attendance of about 90 gay men, and ten women who are just that dedicated to her music. No one is going to try and accost her. Now if her red headed competition was in the house that might be a different story.

I appreciate you calling me over every thirty seconds to give suggestions on how this should be handled, but really, I have this. I also think you should refrain from making limits to what she can and cannot sign. As her mother, I feel you should want her to sign her albums, and not just her playboy cover magazine… but I don’t have kids, so what do I know?

Please stop telling my staff what to do, especially in that condescending bitchy tone, they really don’t care who you are, and quite frankly aren’t going to even try and pretend like they do. They are record store employees, to act like you care is totally against the nature of their position.

All I can leave you with is your daughter was extraordinarily kind and pleasant, which makes me believe she must absolutely take after her father. Thanks for coming by.

Sincerely,

Maggie

low talker

Dear “Low Talker”,

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. At all. Please don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I ask you to repeat your order, perhaps by the third time I ask it should be your cue to speak up. I have tried to read your lips, but this giant pastry case I am trying to look over is blocking a clear view. Also from the glimpse I did have, I believe you may be a mumbler as well, so unless you make more of an effort to speak louder, and less effort giving me your best pissed off expression, you are just going to end up with whatever I think you may want, which will be a small drip coffee every time.

This is not a personal attack, I have friends who are low talkers, and they know this about themselves, which I’m sure you do as well. Being kind and understanding human beings, they make an effort to speak up for others, you on the other hand refuse to help this situation in any way. You might as well be an avox from "The Hunger Games".

Yes, you are going to have to go through this process once you get to the register too. Why? Because they can’t hear you either. They can however hear me when I scream it from five feet away. I am the other end of the spectrum, I am what one would call a loud talker, and you might want to thank me for it, or else no one here was ever going to get your novel of a drink.

How about next time you just write it down, it will save both of us some time hating one another.

Sincerely,

Maggie