health department

Dear Health Department,

I apologize for laughing when you told me who you were. The way my week is going, I honestly believed this had to be a joke. Please believe though, the minute you showed me your badge, you had my full attention. You probably already knew that though, when you saw the face of the whitest woman in the world turn to what can only be described as a “Cullenesque” shade of white (if that doesn’t make sense to you, you haven’t read Twilight).

Sorry for making you wait a moment while I rearranged my already short-staffed floor, due to attendance issues, so I could pull myself away from the busiest part of my day to follow you around. I also apologize for not knowing where my resuscitation mask is in the store, but would like to thank you for making me find it, because I will be using it the moment you leave.

I appreciate your use of the flashlight throughout my store. I did the same thing this past weekend when I was here on my day off, and made everyone scrub this store to the bone. It made Cinderella look like a fairytale… whatever.

As pleased as you are by your findings, know that I am even more grateful, which is a first for me here. Don’t worry about your final grade you give us either. It’s only my job on the line, and thanks to these lovely souls I have inherited to work for me, I am learning to not care about my job.

The hour we spent together meant a lot. It took a few years off of my life expectancy, but knowing that the work I do gets me an A in your eyes makes it all worth it. I am so happy this is my life. Now if you’ll excuse me, my District manager just called to ask me if I need anything, and I need to tell her to bring me a Xanax, beer, and new box of hair dye.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sincerely,

Maggie