sick #1

Dear “Call in sick employee”,

First of all, let me say again, happy birthday! I hope you really enjoyed your birthday weekend! I am happy I was able to give you the past two days off to celebrate, and I am so sad to hear that you aren’t feeling well today! L

Sorry I didn’t answer when you called me, I had no reception because I was on my way in to work early since someone else didn’t show up today. I was so sad to hear you were feeling nauseous! How on earth could that have happened??? What a sad, sad, ending to a celebratory weekend.

Please don’t worry about it. I am sure this is no fault of your own, and I wholeheartedly believe you when your first response was “it’s not alcohol related”. How could it be? It was your BIRTHDAY weekend! No one celebrates a birthday with an over abundance of alcohol. That is just crazy talk.

It would just be unfair of me to expect you to show up, after all, no one else here feels the need to show up to work, why should you? Hey, at least you called, even an hour before you were supposed to be here! That was so nice of you, I can’t believe you were even able to pick up the phone in your condition. That must have been so scary to wake up in a state of inexplicable nausea.

I can only imagine the panic that ran through you. How on EARTH could I be sick? I just spent the last three days binge drinking. That couldn’t be it? Oh no. Am I a pregnant man? Did I contract a deadly virus? None of my actions could possibly lead to this.

I know when you were bragging with everyone about all the free shots you had, it has no bearing on your physical state right now. You just take the day to feel better. You deserve it, it has absolutely no affect on my 60 hour work week, what’s an extra four hours of coverage? I love this place more and more every day.

Sincerely,

Maggie