Not a seven hour shift!!!!

Dear “Did you make a mistake on the schedule?”,

No I didn’t. You are in fact reading that correctly. You are scheduled for a full seven hour day, or what I myself like to consider a half day. I appreciate you taking this opportune time to talk to me about it though. The 8am hour at a coffee shop is always the best time for a schedule discussion. This way, you don’t have to do that annoying thing I expect of you which is customer service.

I could sense the desperation in your voice when you were appalled that I would even THINK to torture someone with seven whole hours of dealing with the public. I must have just misunderstood you the other day when you were pleading with me for more hours. This stupid sensitive side of me actually tried to adhere to your wishes, but clearly I was mistaken. You must just want me to magically add those hours to your check without you having to be physically present.

You raise a good point however when you said to me “there is no way I can do that, seven hours is just too long here.” Tell me about it. Try working on average twelve hours here, which could possibly be shorter, but unfortunately for me I have to engage in asinine conversations like this one during my day causing me a delay in doing what I should be doing.

I totally understand how unfair all of this seems. What kind of slave driving boss makes someone work so much? It’s like I’m running a third world sweat - shop here. To be honest, if I were you I would make a call to HR stat about the unfair working conditions you are under. Already you are convinced someone has put a curse on you (lucky for me this is the second time in my retail management career I have encountered such a fear from an employee so I had prior experience on how to deal with this, which is be sympathetic to your feelings then change the subject). Now you have to work an extraordinary amount of hours… in a row.

If it makes you feel better, you will in fact be allowed a half hour break midway through, which really makes this shift just six and a half hours long. I know, it’s still horrible. I’m sure you will have to spend the following day you have off in bed all day recovering from the torture you had to endure the previous day of running a register and changing milk carafes. I don’t even know how you’re going to be able to function. In the meantime, you are more than welcome to ask anyone else here to work part of that shift, if they can even fathom the idea of being put in a position of such cruelty and torture.

I look forward to our next conversation on pay day when you plead with me how you are having such a hard time making ends meet. Might I recommend selling your plasma? It helped me through college, is really just about a two hour shift, and you just have to lay there.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Dear AC guy

Dear “A/C guy”,

First of all, let me say thank you for showing up. Working in this sweat shop has been extremely annoying. I never signed up do be a part of Bikram Barista, but apparently that is my life. I appreciate you trying to fix the current unit, but as I have told the five other people before you that have come in, it is a lost cause. You’ll have to excuse me for the quick introduction as I stormed into this store this morning on my day off, but as I told you in that moment, I don’t need you climbing up a ladder like those before you to look at this waste of time a/c unit. What I needed is for you to get on the phone and find out where the hell the portable unit I have been promised for the past 24 hours is.

Thank you for following my instructions, I am sure the satanic glare that I gave while sternly, yet politely demanding to do this was to say the least, frightening. You see, I haven’t had a day without dealing with this den of insanity in over a month, and it is slowly making me go insane. I am sure there was a small moment in our interaction where you just may have been scared for your own life, rightfully so, I am about one more day away from going Dexter on this place.

I can’t explain to you how relieved I was to see how quickly you brought the unit in after my demands, and I could tell you were able to sense my gratitude. What I need you to understand however, is that it was in fact just pure professional gratitude. I did not mean to mislead you while signing the invoice and casually talking to you. While I appreciate your compliment that I seem like a good time to hang out with, I have to say with all honesty that there was a time in my life where I used to be. That time ended when I came to this time consuming soul sucking place. As for your invitation to get together some time, you’ll have to excuse me, I am not used to be hitting on in social situations, much less in a professional setting.

I do commend you though for that bold move of kissing me on the cheek as I tried to shake your hand to say goodbye, and I REALLY appreciate you doing said move in front of my whole staff. As romantic as the entire situation is, I can say with entire certainty, you and I will not have any romantic outings anytime soon, I have to extend to you a phrase my sisters say often, just because you don’t want to go to the party, it’s nice to be invited. Unfortunately, it takes a lot more than an almost useless a/c unit to be my knight in shining armor, and just know that if this breaks down, I will do everything in my power to fix it myself before I have to call it in and go through this awkwardness again.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Foul Mouthed coaching session

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Dear “Foul mouthed coaching conversation shift lead”,

In regards to your recent “coaching conversation” you had with a barista here, I feel it is a good time to address what is appropriate and inappropriate to say during such conversations. I understand you were upset, it was clear when you started screaming at each other on the floor. However, this would be a good example of what not to do under these circumstances.

I would have thought when I sternly, yet politely told the two of you to get off my floor, this would have been a sign that this was wrong. You however chose to go in the back and continue screaming at him, which echoed through the entire store and I continued to smile and finish everyone’s drinks all the while acting like nothing was unusual. It was especially nice to see the looks on everyone’s faces as I said “thanks, have a great day”. I must have looked like a Stepford Wife, and I would like to thank you for putting me in this extraordinarily awkward situation.

Believe me when I tell you I absolutely understand the inclination to scream at people on the floor. Unfortunately, we can’t. Let’s also break down some bottom line standards that I think will be helpful to you in the future should a situation like this occur again.

#1. When you feel like you are about to lose it with someone, that would not be the opportune time to start the conversation. Exploding into a fiery rage is very rarely useful in achieving the results you hope for.

#2. While engaging in the conversation, any form of the words “Shit” or “Fuck” should be avoided at all costs. From the echoing of your voice through the store, I understand these are your go to words of choice, and I would be lying if I said I haven’t had the same terminology run through my head at times, but the ability to censor oneself is essential in this dream world of retail management you strive to move up in.

#3. Let’s try to keep the conversations work related, staying away from phrases like “You, know you’re my boy and I F*&$ing (see rule #2) love you” should be reserved for arenas outside of work.

I feel if we focus on these three rules to start with, it will help in your development to become an assistant manager. I know, it’s tough being a manager and just another area where censorship and the inability to just be ourselves is stripped from us. It’s like selling your soul to the devil, but the long hours and middle class salary wage just makes days like this mean more. Don’t give up on living the dream, you too could have my life one day.

Sincerely,

Maggie

The case of the missing money

Dear “Get me my money”,

Let us replay what just happened as if it was a script:

MAGGIE, a plain woman in her mid thirties sits in her barren Brooklyn apartment, dark circles cascade her eyes, she is attempting a light hearted discussion with her dear friend Bob across the country in San Francisco.

MAGGIE

I don’t know Bob, I am trying to

write, but every time I have the time

to do it, some sort of work thing comes

up and I’m broken out of it.

Just as Maggie finishes her sentence she gets a call on her other line, it is an unfamiliar number.

BOB

That sucks.

MAGGIE

Speaking of, I am sure that is a

Work related call on the other line.

Let me call you back, if I don’t answer

they will keep calling until I do.

Maggie Clicks over to the other line, she shifts in her chair from a relaxed position to a stance ready to take on a penalty kick in a world cup game.

MAGGIE

Hello?

A voice echoes from the other line as if the person is in a hallowed place. JANE answers in a hurried voice.

JANE

Hi Maggie, I have a situation I

need immediate help with. I had

$50 in my purse this morning

and when I went to put it in the

bank I noticed it was missing.

Jane waits with baited breath on the other end of the line, Maggie ends her pause with a prompting phrase

MAGGIE

Okay…..

Jane immediately jumps back into her story.

JANE

Well I came back to the store

Immediately and checked where

My bag was last. I noticed Jim’s

Wallet had money hanging out of

It. I asked Jim to show me all of his

Stuff. When he opened his wallet I

Noticed he had a $50 bill in it.

Maggie sat up further in her chair.

MAGGIE

Um, what did Jim say?

JANE

He said it was his.

MAGGIE

Where is Jim now?

JANE

He’s right here, I’m calling from

His phone, I didn’t want to make a

Scene.

MAGGIE

Uh, where are you guys right now?

JANE

In the bathroom. With the door locked.

Maggie gets up from her chair and immediately goes to her refrigerator to open a bottle of Prosecco. Most would use this in times of celebration, Maggie on the other hand has grown accustomed to drinking this on her day off to deal with over the top work situations she can’t seem to escape from.

MAGGIE

Ok, pass the phone to Jim.

Immediately a male voice is on the phone.

JIM

Hi Maggie.

MAGGIE

Hey Jim, what’s going on?

Maggie slams her first glass of Prosecco.

JIM

Well, Jane said something was

Taken from her bag, so she asked

me to empty my bag and

show her my pockets and my

Wallet. I let her search me in the

Bathroom, because I can understand

She’s upset. I had a $50 bill in my wallet.

MAGGIE

Is it yours?

Maggie pours another glass of Prosecco.

JIM

Yea. I need a new ATM card, but

I have had this in my wallet since last

Week, I’m going to deposit it as soon

As I can.

Maggie thinks more and more about how she hates her job while talking to two employees locked in the bathroom on her day off.

MAGGIE

Ok, I need you to write down a statement

Of exactly what happened. Stick to facts

From the moment your interaction started.

Can you pass your phone back to Jane?

Jim agrees and within seconds Jane voice returns to the phone.

JANE

Hello?

MAGGIE

Ok, Jane I need you to write a written

Statement of everything that has happened

Since you discovered this scenario. Write

It down now while it’s fresh in your head.

I need to make some phone calls and get

Others involved in this.

JANE

Well what are you going to do about

My $50?

Maggie thinks for a moment about whether to pour another glass or just hit herself over the head with the bottle.

MAGGIE

At this moment I can’t do anything. Is

There an emergency you need the money for?

JANE

Well I was depositing it in an account.

MAGGIE

For a bill?

JANE

No, but I need my $50.

Maggie now realizes hitting herself over the head with the bottle is not enough.

MAGGIE

I understand that, and I am not

making light of this situation, I will

make sure I follow up on this until

we know what happened, and you

get your money back, but in the

meantime we need to check all possibilities

before we accuse anyone.

Jane let’s out a sigh of disappointment on the other end of the line.

JANE

Fine, so I guess you’re not going to

Fix this until tomorrow?

MAGGIE

Unfortunately I can’t, I’m not there

and we need to talk to everyone. I also

need you to not keep someone locked up

in the bathroom with you right now.

JANE

Fine, I guess I’ll talk to you about it

In the morning.

FADE OUT.

Now, I hope reading that in this fashion you can understand that I genuinely couldn’t do anything in that moment. I am not telling you that I won’t do anything about it, but I am showing you that I can’t justify keeping another employee locked in the bathroom with you while I am on the phone just because you forced him to show you his wallet and he had money in it.

I have no doubt that you are appalled right now at my inability to fix your problem right then and there on my day off. After all, I know that you believe in your heart of hearts that I have absolutely nothing better to do in my spare time than to fix everything that happens to all of you in an instant.

You will also notice that I am not dismissing this, or telling you there is nothing I can do about it, because believe me when I tell you I will figure this out. However, certain steps need to happen first, and before I get in a situation where I am in trouble for allowing an employee to hold another employee for interrogation in a locked bathroom with me on the phone, I actually have to handle this in an appropriate manor. I understand the idea of what is appropriate is lost on most of you there, so I’m not going to go into it right now, but trust me when I tell you it is important.

Believe me when I tell you if it was absolutely necessary that you needed to pay something with that $50, I would have made sure that happened. However, the need to merely deposit the money for the future says to me we can rectify this when I am there. Without holding anyone captive either. Once again I apologize for failing your expectations of what my job requires me to do, but let me assure you, solving a mystery via phone with an employee kept hostage in the restroom is not in my job description.

Sincerely,

Maggie