20 minutes in heaven

Dear "Sexual Harassment Supervisor",

It gets really confusing understanding what is acceptable conversation, and what isn't amongst coworkers, especially when you are so close. Much like the conversation we had regarding using F bombs during coaching conversations with employees, it should also be understood that asking someone to give you twenty minutes with them, during work, in the employee restroom, also falls under that inappropriate category.

Now, I understand that there is a lot of confusion regarding what is appropriate, and even more so, what is allowed to go on in the employee restroom (I recently wrote a letter to one of your peers regarding other inappropriate restroom situations), but I think common sense would ...... actually never mind.

Since there is so much confusion about what should go on in the restroom, I am wondering if I should just lock it up all together where no one is allowed in it. Now think of these repercussions, if I do this, how are you guys going to pretend to have to go to the bathroom then make phone calls and text with people in there? Where are you guys going to eat? Since you prefer to do this next to the toilet instead of waiting for a place in the cafe? Where are you going to hide when I send you on a task that you don't want to do just to kill some time?

Actually, why don't you go ahead and file all of those under inappropriate uses of the restroom as well. Ok besides the eating, that is your choice, but just know I find that completely disgusting.

So once again, let's wrap up what is acceptable and unacceptable at work.

Acceptable: do your job and be friendly

Unacceptable: No yelling, swearing, or sexual advances of any kind to employees.

If you have any questions regarding this, please feel free to talk to me and we can address each vulgar statement you made to said employee line by line. Boy, that will be fun, I know the first time I read them I threw up in my mouth, would love to have the chance to do that again. In the meantime, how about you don't talk to anyone here but me and the customers.... actually, if you could stay away from the customers someone as well, that would be great.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Strip search

Dear "Drop your pants",

When you first contacted me regarding your missing money, you claimed that you just merely locked another employee in the bathroom and made him show you his wallet.

You did not however share with me, prior to making him show you his wallet, you brought him and another male employee in the restroom, locked the door, and asked them to basically drop their pants to make sure the money wasn't on them.

My first thought after, "what the hell were you thinking?" was, "why on earth would these employees actually do this?". While discussing the situation with my family, my sister pointed out to me these gentlemen may have thought this situation was going in a different direction, therefore complied with your wishes.

I see that you are having problems understanding how this was wrong, I mean really, why should anyone at work be opposed to a strip search by any peer? Seems totally naturally, and now that I think about it, I am shocked this is the first time I have come across this situation in all my years of management.

I mean, it may be a worthwhile practice considering all the theft issues we are having at this location for every employee to be stripped searched before leaving the building. Where I don't want to be the one necessarily performing these searches, I will go ahead and throw that idea by our HR department and see how they feel about it. Gee, I wonder what they will say?

Going forward, until I get the O.K. from them (let's cross our fingers that they go for it), let's just consider it an unacceptable method for future scenarios. I hear you when you say there is nothing that states in any handbook strip searches are not allowed. Shame on everyone for not making that perfectly clear to you, how on earth were you supposed to know this wasn't ok if it wasn't stated in a handbook you were given (even if we both know, you never took the time to read that anyway).

I understand on your initial phone call to me regarding this situation, you didn't feel a need to share this information with me,. Unfortunately the employees have come to me complaining about these circumstances. I know, I can't believe they weren't ok with this either, it was just a mere violation of their own rights, total prudes.

Thank you for making the judgement call to do this, and giving me the opportunity to become even closer to our HR specialists, that are now on my speed dial.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Crazy Regular #2

Dear "Crazy Regular #2",

Thank you for your feedback regarding my weekend staff. I am a firm believer in freedom of speech, so you referring to them as "animals" is completely politically correct. I also understand you are very upset with them because they charge you for your coffee, unlike the Monday - Friday staff. I absolutely appreciate how confusing this is, but I unfortunately have to inform you the "animals" on the weekend are actually doing the right thing.

Doing the right thing, is definitely an issue I am trying to tackle here. Whether it be actually charging customers for what they get, or keeping all of the money in the till, not in their pockets as well, remains to be a challenge.

The fact that you went above and beyond by voicing your concerns to the customer complaint line is much appreciated by myself. I can't tell you how much I enjoy the extra work of making sure you are catered to, because as we all know, the customer is always right, even when they are clearly insane as you are.

When you take these extra steps, it also gives me more opportunities to have one on one conversations with you, where you get a chance to share with me other issues you see on a daily basis. Things that have yet to occur to me, such as:

The stress my twenty something female employees are going through because of menopause, the dietary and weight issues facing my employees because they are forced to deal with pastries all day (on a side note, I would like to thank you for not addressing that personally with me), the need for myself to make sure I put lip gloss on in the morning, and my personal favorite: the employees too often address you by your name, which is just rude in your opinion.

Your clear insight of what is happening here is invaluable to me. Everyday I learn a little bit more from you. I also appreciate you standing to the side of me during our busiest day parts chanting what you want. It helps me not forget, and definitely inspires me to do more.

I am sure we will talk soon, as you usually call me to let me know whether you are coming in or not the next day, I wish my employees had your attendance ethics.

Oh! And before I forget, thank you so much for letting me know about the press conference the CEO of the company had to announce what an amazing job I was doing. I am glad to hear that you were able to attend that. This information alone validated how incredibly out of your mind you are.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Crazy Regular #1

Dear "Crazy Regular #1"

I have to start by telling you what a LOVELY singing voice you have. It is very reminiscent of the Robert Pattinson track on the Twilight soundtrack. As my sister Katie describes it, Tracy Chapman after having a stroke.

As much as your soothing melodic voice at 6 in the morning may seem entertaining to you, it makes myself and my staff want to shoot ourselves in the head. I would appreciate it if you could keep it at a low hum until outside our building. Let yourself shine on the streets of New York, you may even be able to make a few bucks on it using the acoustics of the subway systems to echo your talent.

Also, going forward, I would appreciate it if any self primping (including, but not limited to cutting your hair/applying your make up) at our cafe tables ceases immediately. This could be considered a health hazard. Not my words, those are actually from the health department.

Now, for your concerns regarding the literature in the store. I hear through the grapevine you would like to speak personally to me about what we are carrying. As my assistant manager informed you, I am on maternity leave for the next six months, so please feel free to find me after my pretend child is born. I would also like to thank you for believing this lie, especially since you have seen me everyday since this was told to you, yet still ask when I am coming back.

I can't tell you enough how I appreciate your business. It's rare to find a customer willing to pay $1.81 everyday to take up a whole table in your cafe for five hours. You, are an absolute gem and I look forward to seeing what other conversations we will have regarding your special behaviors in the future.

Sincerely,

Maggie

But I was in jail

Dear "How am I supposed to get to work when I am incarcerated",

I am sorry to hear you had to spend a couple of days in the slammer. I am also sorry to hear this happened to you while on many warnings for time and attendance including what is so lovingly referred to as a "final warning".

I also apologize for not calling the local prisons when you didn't show up to work or call for two days, my bad. You see, based on your horrible attendance record, and mentality of it-is-always-someone-else's fault and none of your own, I just figured you were out doing your own thing.

I appreciate the excuse that there really was no way to make it in, but I think what you're missing is you did have the ability to stay out of jail. I appreciate the disconnect we are having around here regarding our actions having consequences, as well as the mind set that life is so unfair, but let me give you a few tips for the future:

When you break rules, whether in the real world, or on the job, there will be repercussions.

If you follow rules and standards, you most likely will have positive things happen. It's a little something most people like to call responsibility. You see, the police officer that put you in jail was doing his responsibility by holding you accountable for breaking the law. I, as your manager, am doing my responsibility by relieving you from your position for breaking the rules.

I know you are just a mere 28 years old, and putting such heavy responsibility on you seems extreme, but trust me, one day, when you are a grown up..... years from now.... you will most likely understand this concept a little better.

Oh, and by the way, the fact that this all happened on the days that you were trying to get someone to cover your shifts, and no one could, I am sure is just a mere coincidence.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Not a seven hour shift!!!!

Dear “Did you make a mistake on the schedule?”,

No I didn’t. You are in fact reading that correctly. You are scheduled for a full seven hour day, or what I myself like to consider a half day. I appreciate you taking this opportune time to talk to me about it though. The 8am hour at a coffee shop is always the best time for a schedule discussion. This way, you don’t have to do that annoying thing I expect of you which is customer service.

I could sense the desperation in your voice when you were appalled that I would even THINK to torture someone with seven whole hours of dealing with the public. I must have just misunderstood you the other day when you were pleading with me for more hours. This stupid sensitive side of me actually tried to adhere to your wishes, but clearly I was mistaken. You must just want me to magically add those hours to your check without you having to be physically present.

You raise a good point however when you said to me “there is no way I can do that, seven hours is just too long here.” Tell me about it. Try working on average twelve hours here, which could possibly be shorter, but unfortunately for me I have to engage in asinine conversations like this one during my day causing me a delay in doing what I should be doing.

I totally understand how unfair all of this seems. What kind of slave driving boss makes someone work so much? It’s like I’m running a third world sweat - shop here. To be honest, if I were you I would make a call to HR stat about the unfair working conditions you are under. Already you are convinced someone has put a curse on you (lucky for me this is the second time in my retail management career I have encountered such a fear from an employee so I had prior experience on how to deal with this, which is be sympathetic to your feelings then change the subject). Now you have to work an extraordinary amount of hours… in a row.

If it makes you feel better, you will in fact be allowed a half hour break midway through, which really makes this shift just six and a half hours long. I know, it’s still horrible. I’m sure you will have to spend the following day you have off in bed all day recovering from the torture you had to endure the previous day of running a register and changing milk carafes. I don’t even know how you’re going to be able to function. In the meantime, you are more than welcome to ask anyone else here to work part of that shift, if they can even fathom the idea of being put in a position of such cruelty and torture.

I look forward to our next conversation on pay day when you plead with me how you are having such a hard time making ends meet. Might I recommend selling your plasma? It helped me through college, is really just about a two hour shift, and you just have to lay there.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Dear AC guy

Dear “A/C guy”,

First of all, let me say thank you for showing up. Working in this sweat shop has been extremely annoying. I never signed up do be a part of Bikram Barista, but apparently that is my life. I appreciate you trying to fix the current unit, but as I have told the five other people before you that have come in, it is a lost cause. You’ll have to excuse me for the quick introduction as I stormed into this store this morning on my day off, but as I told you in that moment, I don’t need you climbing up a ladder like those before you to look at this waste of time a/c unit. What I needed is for you to get on the phone and find out where the hell the portable unit I have been promised for the past 24 hours is.

Thank you for following my instructions, I am sure the satanic glare that I gave while sternly, yet politely demanding to do this was to say the least, frightening. You see, I haven’t had a day without dealing with this den of insanity in over a month, and it is slowly making me go insane. I am sure there was a small moment in our interaction where you just may have been scared for your own life, rightfully so, I am about one more day away from going Dexter on this place.

I can’t explain to you how relieved I was to see how quickly you brought the unit in after my demands, and I could tell you were able to sense my gratitude. What I need you to understand however, is that it was in fact just pure professional gratitude. I did not mean to mislead you while signing the invoice and casually talking to you. While I appreciate your compliment that I seem like a good time to hang out with, I have to say with all honesty that there was a time in my life where I used to be. That time ended when I came to this time consuming soul sucking place. As for your invitation to get together some time, you’ll have to excuse me, I am not used to be hitting on in social situations, much less in a professional setting.

I do commend you though for that bold move of kissing me on the cheek as I tried to shake your hand to say goodbye, and I REALLY appreciate you doing said move in front of my whole staff. As romantic as the entire situation is, I can say with entire certainty, you and I will not have any romantic outings anytime soon, I have to extend to you a phrase my sisters say often, just because you don’t want to go to the party, it’s nice to be invited. Unfortunately, it takes a lot more than an almost useless a/c unit to be my knight in shining armor, and just know that if this breaks down, I will do everything in my power to fix it myself before I have to call it in and go through this awkwardness again.

Sincerely,

Maggie