Shoplifter

Dear “Teenage Shoplifter”,

You should know, ever since the release of the cinematic classic “Empire Records”, you my friend, are a dream come true for us. Anyone who has ever worked at a record store has dreamed of two things: 1. Having some form of a “Rex Manning Day” and 2. Having a Polaroid photo shoot with someone like you.

When we notice you, a wave of excitement goes through the entire staff. We begin planning our attack the minute you walk out that door. I can’t even tell you how much I hate exercise, especially running, but the terror in your eyes when you see me running… ok fine, awkwardly jogging, while screaming at you down the street, brings such joy to my life.

Let me also explain to you, I am a secret weapon. A trained observer if you will, not only was my dad a very observant cop, (so observant in fact, he once found me skipping class, crouched behind the TV after a full episode of General Hospital), but I also had the rare experience of being a mall security guard. That’s right, I know to take a second look when someone is wearing a bulky jacket on the hottest day of the year.

Go ahead, browse the entire store, you will get the best customer service in the world EVER, because my employees normally hate asking people if they need help. But they LOVE asking you! As you check out every section in the store, let me give you a friendly reminder to watch your step in the classical section. Please though, make sure you collect as much as you possibly can, I never mind things weighing you down as I chase you through the streets.

I know that I can’t do anything until the minute you walk out that door. Just know though, I’m the crazy banshee with the Polaroid camera dangling around my neck, a far distance behind you. I have no doubt that I won’t catch you, because I am incredibly slow, but I am positive you will drop my precious merchandise that I will collect and put back for some other moron to try to take the next day. Thanks for your patronage, come back soon!

Sincerely,

Maggie