Guy with list

“Dear Guy with the list for the office”,

Dude, we do this everyday. Do you remember that quiz they gave you in elementary school? The one where the directions said “read through this entire page before starting this exam”? It would ask you to do things like stand up and sing a song, or jumping jacks, or anything where you just looked like a complete moron. If you actually followed the instructions, the very end said “do none of the above and simply sit still and see who followed directions”?

Yea, I learned my lesson that day, I was one of the morons who couldn’t wait to show off my knowledge of the lyrics to the song “Xanadu” acapella. Let’s just say it wasn’t impressive.

My point in all of this is everyday, all I ask of you, is start with what the drink size is. Why? Because the novel each one of your officemates is ordering needs to written on said cup. I can’t even begin writing on the cup until you tell me what size to grab. I know, it's really complex what we do here.

You also would get far less frustrated with me if you would just follow my instructions, but if you keep choosing your way, you are going to have to repeat everything because I don’t have the mental capacity to remember your twenty drink order with specialty modifiers. Well, that is probably a lie, I am sure I do, I just would rather save that brain space for more Olivia Newton-John lyrics. Plus I have a hard time caring about someone who can’t follow simple instructions and I tend to zone out in frustration half way through your first drink.

Here is another suggestion, just hand over your list and I will take it from there. I know you seem really protective over that post it note, but I promise you I will give it right back. If you are embarrassed by your handwriting, worry not, that is the last thing I am judging you on right now.

So basically, until you are able to follow my lead when I say “Ok, let’s start with drink SIZE first” you are going to have to repeat each order over and over. Unless you can learn to part with your little yellow paper, and let me just move this process along.

I can’t believe you are the one on the other side of this counter.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Group orders

Dear "those ordering in groups”,

I know I should be happy for your business, but to be totally honest, I’m not. Here is why.

First of all, no matter how easy we make it to form a line in this establishment, your “group” manages to not only destroy the entire process, but other individuals tend to follow in your form creating what can only be the definition of the term “cluster f*%k”. So now, we have to not only decipher your order, which you all inevitably change anyway once you see someone elses’, but we also have to cattle herd you like kindergartners back in to a line that the rest of America will somehow understand in this complex world of stanchions and “line form here signs”.

Second of all, you always manage to come in at the absolute worst point of the day. By this time frame, I mean any part of our hours of operation, because let’s be honest, there is never a good time for this to happen. I would be lying to you if I said there was.

Third of all, groups normally come in when on some sort of trip, so there is an extra sense of bewilderment when you come in, like it’s part of the tour! Guess what fools, we are the same thing you can find in your own neighborhood back home, nothing special about it, welcome to Corporate America! Order your milkshake you think is coffee and move on to your next photo op.

Oh, and no, you can’t take a picture with us. I will say though, you’re going to be lucky if you make it through this trip of yours without me photoboming one of your photos with the only sign language I happen to know.

Please learn how to be an individual, order that way, figure out the purpose of a line, and until you do these three things, stay out of my store.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Movie theatre Management Uniform

Dear “Designers of the Movie Theatre Manager Uniform”,

Umm…. What the hell were you thinking? First of all, let’s start with the polyester aspect. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the smell of popcorn out of polyester? Second of all, the women’s rights movement happened quite some time ago, WAY before I was even around, so please explain to me how you found this man suit appropriate for a woman.

I myself am a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, so for me to complain about what I have to wear is pretty big. My sister often asks me what Ellen Degeneres power pant suit I am wearing to any special occasion. Clearly it is not the suit that bothers me, but the thick broad shouldered polyester nonsense that I have to adorn before heading to this ridiculous job. It’s pretty sad when I’d rather be in a red vest, plaid shirt, and bow tie, which happens to be the lovely outfit I wore when I first started my career right out of high school, and have had the luxury of returning to as an adult.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to bend over in this bullshit? It is hard enough for me to perform this task in my sweat pants, this crap makes me feel like I am a contestant on the biggest loser in a special challenge round. Being a manager in this capacity just means I get to tell people what to do while I do it with them. Which means I have to bend over often to pick up the concession crap that people so politely kick under their seats because the thought of actually taking their trash with them and throwing it out in one of the fifty garbage cans we have seems an impossible task after sitting on their asses for two and a half hours.

I have enough self esteem issues surrounding what I do to pay my rent, find the kindness in your heart to remedy this nonsense immediately. How on earth am I suppose to prepare a tray of nachos properly in this tank of a uniform?

Sincerely,

Maggie

Scientology Movie Theatre

Dear “Scientologists running a movie theatre”,

I understand we are in Los Angeles, and running these establishments make us seem like a part of this soul sucking industry. However, Let me remind you the people working for us are children who just want to see movies for free since they are now a luxury for the upper class.

When you want me to talk to a sixteen year old about our mission and philosophy, while using terms like the “four quadrants” and “personal excellence”, they look at me like I’m a tool. Which is appropriate because I feel like one. When I say out loud the term “theatre vision” to explain to some kid to sweep up some spilled popcorn in the lobby, I throw up in my mouth a little bit each time.

Listen, I took this job because I wanted the benefits for my friends and myself. We love peanut M & M’s, and getting them for five dollars instead of ten when I go see the latest installment in the Transformers series seems like a really big deal to me. Learning an entire new language to talk to teenagers who could really give a crap about what I have to say is not.

I should have known when you made me write “reflections” after each shift in my training period, this was so not going to work out. Especially when I was told I needed to use more of the terminology we surround ourselves in, instead of Jaws references (which I feel was a really great reflection by the way).

Good luck in your development of the next generation of pod people. Thank you from my friends for all the free movies they saw while I pretended to be the Alien spawn of Tom and Katie, unfortunately I am going to need to move on with my “personal excellence” to a more normal demeaning retail job, where at least I don’t need to communicate with people as if the spaceship is coming for us soon.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Elderly Satan

Dear “Demon Disguised as a little old Woman”,

I should have known when everyone scattered the minute you walked in, I should have been scared. I had no idea what I was in for though. You were so sweet, you even told me how nice I was. I always have a soft spot in my heart for the elderly, and I try to be as Beaver Cleaver as I can when it comes to my approach to you. I had no idea my question would be so offensive.

That said, I can’t apologize enough for trying to clarify what type of milk you would want with your coffee. And when you totally lost your shit and confronted me with the perplexing “what kind of question is that??” I actually did pause for a second to think about it. I can’t believe I tried to apologize by saying sometimes people prefer a different kind of milk with their coffee. What was I thinking?

When you continued to toss up your arms and with your eyes popping out of your head ask me “Do I look like other people????” followed with “I don’t care what OTHER people do, I want what I want!!!!” For the record, you definitely did look like the spawn of Satan, but I felt that response wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I kept that revelation to myself.

I am sure to those around not hearing the whole context of the exchange, but able to hear you ranting about being treated so poorly, I looked like the Kevorkian of the coffee industry. I also would like you to know, for what it’s worth, I tried to be as non combative as possible in this situation because I thought you were either going to have a stroke in that moment, or turn into a fiery hell beast and kill me.

The next time you come in, which I know you will, I will make sure I keep my questions to the bare minimum, and decide on my own, with no insight from you, what you will be drinking that day. Please don’t lodge a complaint about me to your dark master.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Do you have a bathroom?

Dear “Do you have a bathroom?”,

No. We don’t. Please don’t ask where we go then. Obviously we go in a bathroom, for employees only. In fact, we even have a nice little sign, at eye level, stating it is for employees only. There is even a threatening read hand at the end of the sign that basically means “seriously stop what you’re doing, it’s not going to happen”. That isn’t enough for you? Ok, perhaps the key pad on the door that only those who work here have the combination to should be a sign. If you would like to work here to gain this amazing benefit, please feel free, but know you are going to have to deal with people like you complaining about the lack of a bathroom ever day on top of everything else.

One of the educational advancements of working in the retail food industry is sitting through classes to learn about proper codes of conduct. The most important thing I learned was if an establishment has less than twenty seats, they are not required to have a public restroom. Count the chairs around you, feel free to use your iWhatever to help you, and you will find only nineteen here. I made sure I threw the other five out the minute I found this information out! It was the best piece of useless information I have ever discovered.

I would also like to let you know, I am not bothered at all by the question, I am bothered by your reaction. There is no need to yell at me about public policy, need I remind you you are not even a customer, you just came in and bee lined to the back of the café to relieve yourself. As a side note, I would actually like to thank you for not doing just that anywhere on the floor, as this has happened in previous work places.

You should know, that if you were a pregnant woman or a child, I am always willing to bend the rules. YOU however are a grown adult who is just too embarrassed to go at work, you think I want to let you do that here?

Welcome to the reason we no longer have a “public” restroom sicko.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Employees ignoring customers

Dear “Employees Ignoring Customers to do their tasks”,

I feel it is a pretty easy concept when we speak of “the customer comes first”. I get that you are over dealing with people, trust me I get it. However, that is precisely the purpose of this particular job. Please feel free to use your context clues to unravel the mystery of this phrase. Customer service. Let’s break that down for a moment shall we? What does that term mean??? Well, it would be to serve the customer. I know it is totally ridiculous of me to expect you to do this the entirety of your shift, but it just is.

So when you decide to start doing cleaning tasks, while there is a line, it just may look bad. I know whenever I walk into a McDonald’s to get a delicious diet coke (because let’s face it, there is just something about their diet coke that makes it the most delicious thing you could ever have….. or perhaps that is a reflection of my low expectations of life) and I wait in line while I watch one person helping and five others avoiding eye contact at all costs as they wipe down counters, it infuriates me.

While I am a HUGE advocate of the no eye contact policy before the doors are open, once they are, it is go time people. You are not invisible people can see one person helping while three others avoid social contact. Perhaps you envision yourself in Wonder Woman’s invisible jet at these times, but need I remind you, you could still see her when she was in this ridiculous flying machine.

Or perhaps I just see dead people, and none of these people are real, but I know from their glares and aggravation they are very much alive, and customers… who are supposed to come first.

I have thought to myself perhaps this is just an area of training I need to focus on with you all, maybe multi tasking is a difficult thing, but then I remember how you are able to text your friends while completing any work function, so multi tasking is definitely not am issue.

No the problem is your lack of desire to work with the public. I can absolutely relate to this, and trust me when I say I don’t enjoy it either, but it is my job and yours. Might I recommend faking it through the day, and going home writing about how much it sucks later. It seems like that may be a very therapeutic way of dealing.

Sincerely,

Maggie