Crazy Employee

Dear “Bat Shit Crazy Employee”,

I would like to start by reiterating to you how seriously we here at this “record store”* (see definition below) take harassment issues. When you came to me about your recent problem with your belief that a fellow coworker was “hexing” you, I made it a point to put this issue at the top priority of my day. I have researched your statements and evidence and found the following conclusions:

1. I have looked into the employee’s rental records, and you are correct, they have indeed been renting the “Charmed” dvd’s. However, I am not sure one can learn such an art from a CW show. I say this as an avid fan of the CW network, I can honestly tell you, I have learned nothing from it.

2. You claim it is evident from the bad luck you have been having in your work days, there is no other reasonable explanation. To that, I have to remind you, you are working at a place that is about to go out of business, every one is having bad days.

3. You claim it is also showing up in your personal life. As we discussed (to my surprise) in your recent employee performance evaluation, you are currently having romantic problems with your husband, but as I stated then, when we say “performance evaluation” it is referring to more of a work productivity and customer service standard, not what happens in your bedroom.

Again, I want to tell you that this accusation will continue to be taken very seriously, and if I hear any Stevie Nicks in the store, or see any strange crystals, I will document them immediately. I also want to put out the disclaimer that I know you have been upset ever since we told you, you couldn’t bring your pet rat with you to work anymore, but we are really not out to get you, unfortunately, we found customers to be turned off by the rodent on your shoulder. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to talk to the employee who just dropped their heroin needle in my office.

Sincerely,

Maggie

* A record store was a consumer place that used to exist where you could actually interact with people and talk about music and dvd’s, AND purchase I real life copy with art work and everything of things you enjoyed. So archaic, I know.