Dear “No call no show employee”,

Guess who got called in on their day off because you didn’t? That’s right. Me. What a joy it is for me to receive that phone call too. I absolutely appreciate the sense of panic that goes through me when I scramble to find my dirty work clothes to throw on at 5am and jump on the subway to head in on my day off. Why wouldn’t I?

I also appreciate the fact that your excuse is you can’t work on Sundays, because your availability changed after I posted this schedule, which you have known about for two weeks. Clearly this is my fault, and none of your own. Why should you have any responsibility in coming in to a scheduled shift? I should be honored just to have you show up on the random times that you do.

This isn’t the first time you have fallen victim to ridicule either, you poor thing. I couldn’t help noticing the stack of write ups that exist in your file for the exact same problem prior to me taking over this store. It seems you have yet to find compassion for your life getting in the way of this silly little thing we call a job. When I saw that this is the sixth time in sixth months you have been held accountable for showing up to work, I was forced to ask myself… how the hell do you still work here?

When we spoke about the situation, and you refused to sign the written documentation for your failure to show up to work, I paused for a moment and thought… maybe I’m being unfair. Than I pulled my head out of my ass and again asked myself… how the hell do you still work here?

I am so happy we had the chance to talk about this, so you could assure me this was my responsibility and none of your own. This mentality is going to get you far in life, and it brings me such relief to know that you plan on becoming a nurse. I am sure your work ethic will definitely help the overpopulation problem in the world.

In the end, I absolutely see my faults in this situation. I shouldn’t just assume you would actually show up to work. In an effort for this to not interfere with your life, I will make sure I limit the amount of times that I expect you to be here. I can also promise you, the next time you don’t show up (which I am sure will be in the next month) it will be the last time you have to debate signing a piece of paper. Yes, I will be the one to finally set you free of this burden known as a job.

Sincerely,

Maggie

no call no show #2

Dear “No call no show employee #2”,

Thank you so much for calling me six hours AFTER the start of your shift to let me know you are in court. I also apologize for debating with you the fact that you were scheduled to work today, as I stare at the schedule in front of me with your name and scheduled time on it.

Now that we agree that I can not only see, but actually read as well, I appreciate you changing your story that you told the prior manager that you had court this day. Unfortunately for the human race in general, I can’t download information from his mind into mine and know. You would actually have to tell me too. It’s unfair, I know, life is hard. It should help you to know in the future, I’m not even facebook friends with your former manager, so it is actually impossible for us to share any information with each other.

I’m sorry you had to hang up on me when discussing this issue. That bold move really helped me to understand how right you are here, yep, that action didn’t piss me off at all, and will absolutely make the conversation we have when I see you in person go a lot easier. There is nothing I love more than having the same conversation, with two separate employees, two days in a row.

I hope you and no call no show #1 are close, because it looks like you’re going to have a lot of free time to hang out in the future. Also, Judging from your inability to understand that you have any responsibility in this situation, leads me to believe you are going to be very successful in your court appearance today. Good luck.

Sincerely,

Maggie

sick #1

Dear “Call in sick employee”,

First of all, let me say again, happy birthday! I hope you really enjoyed your birthday weekend! I am happy I was able to give you the past two days off to celebrate, and I am so sad to hear that you aren’t feeling well today! L

Sorry I didn’t answer when you called me, I had no reception because I was on my way in to work early since someone else didn’t show up today. I was so sad to hear you were feeling nauseous! How on earth could that have happened??? What a sad, sad, ending to a celebratory weekend.

Please don’t worry about it. I am sure this is no fault of your own, and I wholeheartedly believe you when your first response was “it’s not alcohol related”. How could it be? It was your BIRTHDAY weekend! No one celebrates a birthday with an over abundance of alcohol. That is just crazy talk.

It would just be unfair of me to expect you to show up, after all, no one else here feels the need to show up to work, why should you? Hey, at least you called, even an hour before you were supposed to be here! That was so nice of you, I can’t believe you were even able to pick up the phone in your condition. That must have been so scary to wake up in a state of inexplicable nausea.

I can only imagine the panic that ran through you. How on EARTH could I be sick? I just spent the last three days binge drinking. That couldn’t be it? Oh no. Am I a pregnant man? Did I contract a deadly virus? None of my actions could possibly lead to this.

I know when you were bragging with everyone about all the free shots you had, it has no bearing on your physical state right now. You just take the day to feel better. You deserve it, it has absolutely no affect on my 60 hour work week, what’s an extra four hours of coverage? I love this place more and more every day.

Sincerely,

Maggie

sick employee #2

Dear “Calling in sick employee #2”,

What’s that? You have a headache? By all means, stay home. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to work with a headache.

I know it’s unfair of me to expect you to work in such a fragile condition. Understand though, I was raised by a mom who burnt her eye with a curling iron one morning, and still went to work. Please don’t ask me to explain this. I fully admit at the age of 36, I don’t know how a curling iron works. Yes, this hair you see is what one would call a wash-and-go.

I also understand that you couldn’t grasp how bad this headache was, until five minutes after you were supposed to be here and just woke up. Perhaps the conversation we had yesterday when you were a half hour late to your shift, and I told you the expectation was to be here on time has something to do with this.

Feel some relief knowing there are many over the counter medicines that will help alleviate this pain for you so you can find some peace throughout your day. Don’t worry about us, I don’t even know what it’s like to work with the proper amount of staffing, it’s yet to happen in my first three weeks taking over this store. I would hate to get used to it now. Thanks for keeping the lack of attendance here consistently shitty. Feel better.

Sincerely,

Maggie

health department

Dear Health Department,

I apologize for laughing when you told me who you were. The way my week is going, I honestly believed this had to be a joke. Please believe though, the minute you showed me your badge, you had my full attention. You probably already knew that though, when you saw the face of the whitest woman in the world turn to what can only be described as a “Cullenesque” shade of white (if that doesn’t make sense to you, you haven’t read Twilight).

Sorry for making you wait a moment while I rearranged my already short-staffed floor, due to attendance issues, so I could pull myself away from the busiest part of my day to follow you around. I also apologize for not knowing where my resuscitation mask is in the store, but would like to thank you for making me find it, because I will be using it the moment you leave.

I appreciate your use of the flashlight throughout my store. I did the same thing this past weekend when I was here on my day off, and made everyone scrub this store to the bone. It made Cinderella look like a fairytale… whatever.

As pleased as you are by your findings, know that I am even more grateful, which is a first for me here. Don’t worry about your final grade you give us either. It’s only my job on the line, and thanks to these lovely souls I have inherited to work for me, I am learning to not care about my job.

The hour we spent together meant a lot. It took a few years off of my life expectancy, but knowing that the work I do gets me an A in your eyes makes it all worth it. I am so happy this is my life. Now if you’ll excuse me, my District manager just called to ask me if I need anything, and I need to tell her to bring me a Xanax, beer, and new box of hair dye.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sincerely,

Maggie