Steroid employee

Dear “Steroid using employee”,

I am writing you this letter to discuss some performance issues with you. I would have a sit down conversation with you about them, but quite honestly, I am terrified of you.

I appreciate your dedication to your female body building career, but I’m going to need you to tone it down a little when you are here. When you wash dishes, I feel the plates are going to break in half in your hands. It’s kind of like Lenny in of Mice and Men, I just don’t think you are aware of your own human strength.

When you come in to work, all amped up like you just won a WWF match, it’s not an energy that motivates people it absolutely frightens us. We feel it will be any moment before your clothes start tearing off of you, and you turn an unnatural shade of green before stomping off and terrorizing the town. Don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a part of me that wants to see this, but my managerial expertise kicks in and it just sounds like a lot of incident reports I will have to fill out later. I hate paperwork.

Notice how when others walk into the backroom, the doors swing in a soft swoosh? When you perform the same act, it seems like they are going to fly off the hinges. You push them with such force they could crush a small child. Should I be working on something in the back when this happens, I usually let out a small scream, that should be a sign to you.

As for your inability to stay at the register, I am really going to need you to work on this one, your twitching and erratic tapping and looking around, makes me feel like there is a sniper in the room. I actually watch customers approach you with terror in their eyes and keep a safe distance.

These are just some small things I would like you to work on. We will work on the rest later. There is no need to discuss this letter either, as that would require a private conversation, and my survival skills are telling me not to be put in a situation where I am alone with you and may upset you. Please don’t hurt us, and lay off the juice.

Sincerely,

Maggie