Texting in Sick

Dear “Texting in sick employee”

Let me start by saying I sincerely hope you are feeling better. I also fear this may be related to some psychic abilities you have, since we all know you have been trying to cover this shift all week. It’s as if you KNEW you would be sick. Creepy.

You know, back in the day, before this technology boom, one actually had to CALL in sick and speak to me. Many would have to rehearse before calling by nailing the absolute balance of stuffy nose and sore throat to ensure it was believable. Those who lacked such thespian abilities would normally just have to show up. Not today though, we are lucky enough to avoid the razzie award for worse sick performance by just texting.

I also appreciate you sending this text ten minutes after the start of your shift. You must be in really bad shape, but I do appreciate your psychic abilities of knowing you will definitely be here tomorrow. I can find such peace and relief knowing such a dependable person is working for me.

Also, before we have to take the time to discuss why your check is so small next week, let me explain to you, we unfortunately can’t pay you when you’re not here. The good news though, is if you are a retail overachiever like myself, you can find yourself in the exotic career of retail management where they award you sick time! Should you choose this path, let me give you fair warning to up your text plan on your cell service.

I know what you’re thinking, why on earth do I not use such a thing and actually work to get paid? It’s this stupid crazy thing called a work ethic my silly parents instilled in me back in the day. I know, it’s like growing up in an abusive household. How could they do such a thing to their children?

So please, get that much needed rest you need. I know how hard it is working twenty five hours a week, in such an intense and mind blowing job experience. I need you to be in good health tomorrow when we discuss your attendance issues, and you break down on me talking about how broke you are and how much stress this creates for you.

Sincerely,

Maggie