High Maintenance Celebrity

Dear “High Maintenance Celebrity”,

I feel I speak for the rest of your people when I say, slow your roll. I don’t care if you won an Oscar, ordering lattes in fractions of shots is just not cool. Don’t play into this stereotype, we have plenty of other no name (literally) dbags we have to deal with don’t be one of them. I don’t care if you were on the original 90210 (which you may have been), eventually your cappuccino is going to go dry, because milk eventually settles. Please don’t ask us to remake it after your yoga class, buy another one. You can afford a new one. We have to work here, because we can’t.

Before you pull your celebrity trump card on me, let me just inform you that I myself have done television work in some local government access cable shows care of my sister, who in my opinion, is more talented then anyone I will ever serve coffee to.

That’s right, if you are ever in the sprawling metropolis of the Canton Michigan area at the holiday time, you may find me interviewing locals at the mall about their favorite holiday film. That’s not big time enough for you? I am also featured in a documentary about stalkers of the pop sensation Tiffany. Sure, I may not have the lead as a stalker, but I have a small clip as a fan. You are not the only one who has made it big. And yes, I just said I was a fan of Tiffany.

So when you stand over the counter staring at your espresso shots and panicking when we don’t stop your decaf at exactly 12 seconds, I would like to remind you to calm down. We don’t need you telling us how to do our jobs, because you have no idea what it’s like to deal with you. We can handle eyeballing the appropriate amount of decaf/regular shots you want, because we went through the grueling two weeks of training to serve you your crap. Drink what we give you, and go back to working out.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Dear Self

Dear Self,

I know when you went out last night with your friends, you had faith in yourself that you could perform your job duties the next day, because…. Well, you work in retail and it is not rocket science. However, you need to remind yourself of the self control it takes to “fake it ‘till you make it” while living this dream.

Here are some tips:

#1. When you are getting ready to leave dinner and someone prefaces something with “I know this is probably a bad idea, but…. “ no matter what comes after that, your friend is right. It’s a bad Idea.

#2. If when singing “That’s what Friends are For” at 2am seems like the most fun you could EVER have, it’s time to go home. Yes, your job is mindless, but dealing with the public requires a certain amount of self-awareness. None of which you will have tomorrow. Your choices this evening will make your next day at work more unbearable than you could ever imagine.

#3. If meeting an Egyptian cab driver who offers you Cool Ranch Doritos seems like the nicest thing anyone has ever offered you, it is another sign to go home. You can buy your own Doritos for 99 cents, and you wouldn’t do that anyway. Why? Because realistically, it just doesn’t make sense that they are the same price today as they were in 1990.

At this age in your life, being impressed that “at least you are at work” doesn’t cut it anymore. The smell of steamed milk, the angry glares, and dealing with just plain ridiculous demands on two hours of sleep is going to make you remember that little Dionne Warwick and friends ditty as a death metal song. No one deserves for such a beautiful anthem to be ruined in this way.

When you say “Thank you, have a wonderful day” you need to make it believable. Today it is translating to “Thanks a lot, leave me alone”. Dionne would have wanted you to keep smilin’ and keep shinin’, but today you can’t count on her, you can’t even count on yourself. Shame on you. No more going out on school nights.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Guy who called me unpatriotic

Dear “Customer who just called me unpatriotic”,

I find the basis of your accusation to be one of the most ignorant things I have ever heard. First of all, you say I am unpatriotic for serving Latin American blends of coffee in the afternoon. Hey moron, Latin American countries produce the majority of the coffee we serve. How this has to do with my patriotism is beyond me.

Here’s some facts about me you should know, I make a point of buying American made cars, my Grandfathers and Father are war veterans, and I know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner better than Christina Aguilera (of course you probably blame this on her Latin American roots).

I hear that you want me to serve a particular blend with the word “Major” in the title. Guess what ass hat, that particular blend is made up of different beans from guess where? You got it! Latin America!

Perhaps you need to check your facts before you start such extreme accusations. I put you up there with the guy who called me anti-semitic for no longer carrying bagels. You want to know what I did when you hung up on me after your irrational tyraid? I laughed. Hard. I also went ahead and ordered more delicious Latin American blends for the afternoon.

Please go ahead with your threat of calling customer service. I can’t wait to hear their response to your complaint. I don’t know what you have against Costa Rica my friend, but I am sure some intense therapy would help you deal with this anger.

If I were you, I would take a hard look at yourself and ask why you want to only drink United States grown coffee (which doesn’t exist). Or could It be you’re just a manchild that needs to get his own way no matter how you go about trying?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go jump in my American made car, listen to some Bruce Springsteen, and celebrate my freedom of speech by calling a lot of people and telling them what a bunch of ignorant assholes I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Steroid employee

Dear “Steroid using employee”,

I am writing you this letter to discuss some performance issues with you. I would have a sit down conversation with you about them, but quite honestly, I am terrified of you.

I appreciate your dedication to your female body building career, but I’m going to need you to tone it down a little when you are here. When you wash dishes, I feel the plates are going to break in half in your hands. It’s kind of like Lenny in of Mice and Men, I just don’t think you are aware of your own human strength.

When you come in to work, all amped up like you just won a WWF match, it’s not an energy that motivates people it absolutely frightens us. We feel it will be any moment before your clothes start tearing off of you, and you turn an unnatural shade of green before stomping off and terrorizing the town. Don’t get me wrong, there is definitely a part of me that wants to see this, but my managerial expertise kicks in and it just sounds like a lot of incident reports I will have to fill out later. I hate paperwork.

Notice how when others walk into the backroom, the doors swing in a soft swoosh? When you perform the same act, it seems like they are going to fly off the hinges. You push them with such force they could crush a small child. Should I be working on something in the back when this happens, I usually let out a small scream, that should be a sign to you.

As for your inability to stay at the register, I am really going to need you to work on this one, your twitching and erratic tapping and looking around, makes me feel like there is a sniper in the room. I actually watch customers approach you with terror in their eyes and keep a safe distance.

These are just some small things I would like you to work on. We will work on the rest later. There is no need to discuss this letter either, as that would require a private conversation, and my survival skills are telling me not to be put in a situation where I am alone with you and may upset you. Please don’t hurt us, and lay off the juice.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Lack of Common Sense employee

Dear “Lack of Common Sense Employee”,

I consider myself to be a rather patient person when it comes to training and expectations. I also should have trusted my gut when I didn’t hire you after that teeth pulling interview, but your persistence of coming back every week for two months made me really want to give you a chance. Well that, and I couldn’t get anyone here to actually show up for work consistently because this job is just annoying.

Anyway, I am so willing to work with you, but when I find you standing over a sink in back not knowing how to make the water go down, it’s a red flag. First let me give you the answer to this predicament again, reach in and pull the plug out. Also, reminding you that you can actually do something else while that water goes down, instead of staring at it is what we around here like to call multi-tasking.

Another reminder, when you need to grind beans for a guest, it is best to put the bag under the grinder so the grinds fall into the bag and not on the counter. Should you keep forgetting this important step in the process, let me remind you that it is definitely not ok to take one of our cleaning brushes and brush the grinds from the dirty counter into the bag and proceed to hand them to the guest. I get a lot of crazy complaints around here dear, but I hate to tell you, this is one of the valid ones.

I hear that you will be leaving us soon for NYU in the fall. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was shocked to hear your parents were going to let you go to New York by yourself, but I wish you the best of luck. As for your question of whether or not you can work here over Christmas break, I’m going to have to say no. I don’t think a few weeks is going to be enough time to give you that refresher course on sweeping. You almost mastered it too, like I said, the key is to use two hands. I’m sorry we never got around to the art of mopping. I do wish you the best though, and hey, thank you for at least showing up to your one four hour shift a week on time. You have everyone here beat on time and attendance.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Always tired employee

Dear “I’m so tired employee”,

You poor thing, I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you to get here at 11am. I want you to know, that when my alarm clock goes off at 4:30am, and I hit snooze four times in ten minute intervals, I am thinking about how hard it is going to be for you later on. It’s the only thing that gets me motivated in the morning. Lucky for me, I don't have to wake from a deep slumber, but rather a disco nap, since the barber shop attached to my apartment was having their weekly soiree last night.

As I walk around the city in the dark and cold on my way to may cozy 6am shift, I start thinking about the sad slumber you are in at that very moment. Knowing you are going to only get about four to five more hours of sleep. I can’t believe your dedication to this job. When your shift finally starts (five hours after ours) I know that the opening crew is ready to perk you up in anyway possible. It’s the least we can do, because it is just not fair.

How do you do it? Come in here day in and day out, with this obscene shift. I just find comfort knowing you will get to leave before I do, and you deserve it. I can tell how tired you are, because every time I try to talk to you about stepping up a little bit at work, you look at me with those poor little tired eyes. If I didn’t know how tired you were (because you tell me everyday) I would think it was attitude and disdain you are receiving my pep talks with.

I know you have more to do in life than this job, I am lucky that this is my only desire, and I have no other aspirations in life. I can’t even IMAGINE what it must be like to be doing something you don’t feel “suits” you, but it pays the bills. What an exhausting way to live.

Fear not my young muse, my compassion runs so deep for you, that I will do my very best to ensure we cut back on the amount of time you are required to be here, so you can get that well deserved sleep you need.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Non Ordering Friend

Dear “Non Ordering Friend”,

I am sure that what you have to share at this exact moment in time is beyond important. In fact, I am positive that it will most likely change the world for the better. However, as you stand in front of me without taking pause for your friend to order her coffee, the line is building behind you. You think you’re day is bad? You are ruining the day of several, including my own.

I can’t help but listen in either, since I have absolutely nothing else to do right now, but take your attentive friend’s order. By the way, you should know that since you haven’t shut up since the moment you walked in, your friend has yet to decide what she even wants making everyone, including myself, wait even longer.

From what I am hearing you’re right though, this person you speak of is absolutely selfish, and only cares about what she needs. I can’t such people even exist. You know what else causes pain? The looks I am getting from the rest of the people here, who tend to perceive this as my fault. I just stand here looking like a complete moron with my customer service clown smile on, hoping eventually this middle school drama story ends, and I can move on to the rest of the people glaring at me.

Here’s a thought, why don’t you take a deep breath, let your friend order her skinny latte, and then you can continue on with your own personal episode of the real stock brokers of Manhattan. I have no doubt the conclusion of this mindless nonsense is nothing short of riveting.

Thank you so much for finally pausing so she could order. For the record, I had no choice but to ask you as well if you would like something, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciated the disgusted look on your face as you didn’t even answer with a ”no”, but instead just shook your hand at me as you continued on with your time wasting recap of someone that sounds a lot like you.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Vendor maintenance

Dear “Vendor working on his own time”,

When I called in this work order, I requested for it to be done after 11am. Just to be clear, I didn’t request this time so you could get a good night’s sleep. Nope, you see I have this thing we like to call in retail “knowing my business” so when I said after 11, that is because it is a down time where it is convenient for us to work around you.

No, you can’t turn off my water right now to check the pipes. Why? Because WATER is a necessary ingredient in making coffee. Which by the way, is why these hundred plus people are swarming around my lobby right now. I don’t feel it should take a chemist to understand this simple idea. Excuse my “are you f$%&ing kidding me” look I am giving you right now when you ask me this.

As for bringing your equipment back here and checking things out until I allow you to turn off my main ingredient, good luck. This counter space is bigger than my apartment in New York, and I have to sleep standing up if that puts things in perspective for you.

Here’s the thing buddy. You and I both have to deal with customer service expectations, you have no idea the requests I have to fill throughout the day. Me asking you to wait (like I initially requested) is nothing. You want to throw on an apron and jump back here with us and see what a day in the life of a barista is, be my guest. I will gladly enjoy a cup of coffee and wait a couple of hours to do my job on the clock.

Since I am a trained problem solver though, I will advise you to go take care of your next problem, then come back to us at the time I initially requested. I understand this must be so irritating to you, I can’t believe I am choosing the convenience of everyone else over you, it is just another one of those perks of retail management. See you in a few hours.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Are you open yet?

Dear “Are you open yet”,

I would think that the doors inability to swing towards you should be an answer to this question. I know in this day and age of magical little boys and sparkling vampires, your mind may go to a place where a mystical force is causing this to happen, but in reality, the door is merely locked.

The reason it is locked is because, we are not in fact open yet. Yes you do see us inside, we are doing what one would call setting the store up for the day. There are many difficult processes we must go through in order for this to happen. The most important of which is mentally preparing ourselves to deal with the human race throughout the day.

Go ahead, cup your hand against the window and look in for validation, but just know before I begin to help you, I am now going to have to windex down that area you have put your desperate little paws all over. Yep, keep knocking, and know that I am not deaf, nor blind, I am using my own free will to avoid eye contact with you. It is the one part of the day I get to actually ignore people, and I savor every moment of it.

I also appreciate your use of putting your cell phone with the time towards the window, but let me reassure you this place is well equipped with time telling devices, your iPhone is cool, but it is not the only thing capable of capturing such figures. Sure in your mind, it is a mere 3 minutes until open, so for you we should just open.

Let me tell you what three minutes means to me…. It is the equivalent to a third of my ten minute break I count down to once I open those doors. It is also only three more minutes until I have to let you in and hear some sarcastic remark about our inability to honor you.

Keep on pacing and throwing up your hands my friend. It will all be over soon, but in the mean time, I think we may be opening one minute late today.

Sincerely,

Maggie

F Bomb Dropping Interviewee

Dear “F Bomb dropping Interviewee”,

Where to begin? Well, let me say I am not innocent when it comes to the use of such a versatile word. I have used it in my time, once when my mom was trying to teach me how to drive a stick shift, and a light turned red in front of me, it came out in a panic of knowing I was going to have to get out of first gear on a main road. I of course learned my lesson that day, this particular word was not be used in any company.

That said, I do appreciate your enthusiasm about working here, as it is a very emphatic adjective. However, now I can’t concentrate on anything else you are saying because I am so in shock you said it, and have yet to feel it was inappropriate in this environment.

Just when I thought you lost my attention all together, you bring me right back in with your next comment. Yes my fine pick applicant, this place is in fact, run by “two chicks”. I can’t tell you what a compliment it is coming from you about how shocked you are women could do such a thing. To think we have come this far, I am sure our forefathers never thought such a thing could happen by the year 2003.

I have much empathy for your situation, and I can’t believe you are having such a hard time finding work. You are nailing this interview so far. Your availability is also something I could work with. You are available Monday through Friday from noon to six? And you want forty hours a week, um…. Let me explain, actually never mind.

In the end, let me thank you for taking the time to come in and chat with me, and although you have so much to offer, we unfortunately don’t have a “white supremacy” genre section at this store. I wish you luck though, and might I recommend a driving course with my mom, she may be able to teach you a thing or two about etiquette.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Texting in Sick

Dear “Texting in sick employee”

Let me start by saying I sincerely hope you are feeling better. I also fear this may be related to some psychic abilities you have, since we all know you have been trying to cover this shift all week. It’s as if you KNEW you would be sick. Creepy.

You know, back in the day, before this technology boom, one actually had to CALL in sick and speak to me. Many would have to rehearse before calling by nailing the absolute balance of stuffy nose and sore throat to ensure it was believable. Those who lacked such thespian abilities would normally just have to show up. Not today though, we are lucky enough to avoid the razzie award for worse sick performance by just texting.

I also appreciate you sending this text ten minutes after the start of your shift. You must be in really bad shape, but I do appreciate your psychic abilities of knowing you will definitely be here tomorrow. I can find such peace and relief knowing such a dependable person is working for me.

Also, before we have to take the time to discuss why your check is so small next week, let me explain to you, we unfortunately can’t pay you when you’re not here. The good news though, is if you are a retail overachiever like myself, you can find yourself in the exotic career of retail management where they award you sick time! Should you choose this path, let me give you fair warning to up your text plan on your cell service.

I know what you’re thinking, why on earth do I not use such a thing and actually work to get paid? It’s this stupid crazy thing called a work ethic my silly parents instilled in me back in the day. I know, it’s like growing up in an abusive household. How could they do such a thing to their children?

So please, get that much needed rest you need. I know how hard it is working twenty five hours a week, in such an intense and mind blowing job experience. I need you to be in good health tomorrow when we discuss your attendance issues, and you break down on me talking about how broke you are and how much stress this creates for you.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Mr. Paranoid to give his name

Dear “Mr. Paranoid to give his name”,

You demanded to know why we need this information from you, and I am going to do my best to try and explain. We have what we call a system here, and in fact, many are used to it. We take your order, as well as the other fifty customers in this ten minute time span. We then continue to make what you want, and when it’s ready, we will call out to you to let you know you can pick it up.

Let me ease your fears and ensure you, we will not use it to become your facebook friend, put you on a mailing list, or open a credit card in your name. In fact, we don’t even need your full name. Actually, we don’t even need your REAL name. I can see you are still completely and totally offended by this practice, and rightfully so, when you think about it, it is just down right rude.

I would be happy to give you a name, but I think you might find that even more offensive. The names for you floating around in my head right now, are nothing I would want given to me.

I can only imagine how shocked you are do discover most people aren’t offended by this blatant intrusion of privacy. Might I recommend you order a drip coffee, we don’t care to know the names of these people. We don’t need them in our database of names, we only target the upper echelon of coffee drinkers.

I commend you for taking a strong stance on such an important issue. And I respect your decision to not give a name. I wish you luck figuring out when your drink is ready. Have a great day!

Sincerely,

Maggie

Crazy Employee

Dear “Bat Shit Crazy Employee”,

I would like to start by reiterating to you how seriously we here at this “record store”* (see definition below) take harassment issues. When you came to me about your recent problem with your belief that a fellow coworker was “hexing” you, I made it a point to put this issue at the top priority of my day. I have researched your statements and evidence and found the following conclusions:

1. I have looked into the employee’s rental records, and you are correct, they have indeed been renting the “Charmed” dvd’s. However, I am not sure one can learn such an art from a CW show. I say this as an avid fan of the CW network, I can honestly tell you, I have learned nothing from it.

2. You claim it is evident from the bad luck you have been having in your work days, there is no other reasonable explanation. To that, I have to remind you, you are working at a place that is about to go out of business, every one is having bad days.

3. You claim it is also showing up in your personal life. As we discussed (to my surprise) in your recent employee performance evaluation, you are currently having romantic problems with your husband, but as I stated then, when we say “performance evaluation” it is referring to more of a work productivity and customer service standard, not what happens in your bedroom.

Again, I want to tell you that this accusation will continue to be taken very seriously, and if I hear any Stevie Nicks in the store, or see any strange crystals, I will document them immediately. I also want to put out the disclaimer that I know you have been upset ever since we told you, you couldn’t bring your pet rat with you to work anymore, but we are really not out to get you, unfortunately, we found customers to be turned off by the rodent on your shoulder. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to talk to the employee who just dropped their heroin needle in my office.

Sincerely,

Maggie

* A record store was a consumer place that used to exist where you could actually interact with people and talk about music and dvd’s, AND purchase I real life copy with art work and everything of things you enjoyed. So archaic, I know.

cracked out customer calling 911 on me

Dear “Cracked out Customer calling 911 on me right now”,

Let me start by telling you, cops in San Francisco are not going to show up because you have been kicked out of a record store. As crazy as that may sound, there may be more important issues happening on a Friday night in this city.

I know what you are thinking right now, “but the customer is always right”, many have been confused by this philosophy, so I don’t blame you. The minute you raced to call 911 on ME, before I could do so on you, I could tell how wronged you felt. I actually had a moment of reflection and thought perhaps I was in the wrong.

However, in case I haven’t been clear, the reason I have asked you to leave, is because you are cracked out of your mind, harassed one of my employees, and then told us you would be back here later with a gun. I know I am just some naïve girl from the Midwest, and I overact to such silly threats, but I just can’t help myself.

I can also guarantee you this is nothing personal, I also kicked out the smelly crack head who threatened my assistant this morning by saying she was going to “rip of his arms and set him on fire”. What can I say, I just don’t feel like people should have such images in their head while trying to set up the new Whitney Houston display.

I would also like to say “you’re welcome” for waiting with you for two hours after my shift on a Friday night, so we could see if the cops actually show up, and to make sure you got the spelling of my name correct. You are seriously cutting into my karaoke and diner food eating plans for the evening, but what can I say, I am that dedicated to my craft.

As you stand on Market street yelling obscenities at me, I want you to think long and hard about some of your life choices, and perhaps add more easy listening titles to your collection. Perhaps some soothing Enya, or Barry Manilow. Yes, even in moments like this fine Sir, I am still dedicated to bringing new listening enjoyment into the lives of many.

Have a great evening, and no, we are not hiring, but I would recommend checking out Rasputin records, you seem like a fine fit for them.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Shoplifter

Dear “Teenage Shoplifter”,

You should know, ever since the release of the cinematic classic “Empire Records”, you my friend, are a dream come true for us. Anyone who has ever worked at a record store has dreamed of two things: 1. Having some form of a “Rex Manning Day” and 2. Having a Polaroid photo shoot with someone like you.

When we notice you, a wave of excitement goes through the entire staff. We begin planning our attack the minute you walk out that door. I can’t even tell you how much I hate exercise, especially running, but the terror in your eyes when you see me running… ok fine, awkwardly jogging, while screaming at you down the street, brings such joy to my life.

Let me also explain to you, I am a secret weapon. A trained observer if you will, not only was my dad a very observant cop, (so observant in fact, he once found me skipping class, crouched behind the TV after a full episode of General Hospital), but I also had the rare experience of being a mall security guard. That’s right, I know to take a second look when someone is wearing a bulky jacket on the hottest day of the year.

Go ahead, browse the entire store, you will get the best customer service in the world EVER, because my employees normally hate asking people if they need help. But they LOVE asking you! As you check out every section in the store, let me give you a friendly reminder to watch your step in the classical section. Please though, make sure you collect as much as you possibly can, I never mind things weighing you down as I chase you through the streets.

I know that I can’t do anything until the minute you walk out that door. Just know though, I’m the crazy banshee with the Polaroid camera dangling around my neck, a far distance behind you. I have no doubt that I won’t catch you, because I am incredibly slow, but I am positive you will drop my precious merchandise that I will collect and put back for some other moron to try to take the next day. Thanks for your patronage, come back soon!

Sincerely,

Maggie

Phantom Pooper

Dear “Phanton Pooper”,

I absolutely understand when you have to go, you have to go. But, the classical section I feel is a bit obscene. No one wants to come across this crap (literally) while trying to help a customer find some composer we ourselves don’t even know how to pronounce. I know you think this is probably a “safe” place for you to relieve yourself, since none of us go in here, because we don’t understand how to file these cd’s, much less help somebody find one, but still, inappropriate.

I have thought long and hard about why someone would do such a thing, we are after all in a city that loves to protest. So perhaps this is a personal statement from you about how you feel about this particular genre. But really? Does classical music deserve to be shit on? I could understand it if it were near the Fine Young Cannibals, I would almost appreciate it, but not classical.

Let me also explain to you, someone actually has to clean this up. This isn’t like getting home first and pretending that you didn’t noticed the family dog has gone in the living room (not that I would EVER do such a thing), this is a place of business, and needs to be taken care of immediately. So now, I get to add cleaning up human feces to my list of things I accomplished at my dream job today. I can’t thank you enough for that. It just makes me want to brag to my family even more about what I am doing with my life.

Now, this is the third time in the past month, you have pulled such a stunt, and I don’t even want to know what this form of excitement brings to you, because it is far too disturbing for me to think about. I would like to ask of you, as a simple favor, the next time you want to make silly statements, just tag something, you know, like my employees do in the store. I will have so much more respect for you.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Dear "Mr. THE MILK RAN OUT"

Dear “Mr. THE MILK RAN OUT!!!”,

What?????? You mean, those carafes have an end to them??? CODE RED, CODE RED. Sir, thank you soooo much for screaming this across the store to us, I also appreciate you waving the carafe in the air, in case there was any confusion as to what you were talking about.

Just so you know, if you look to your left, there is more, since we refill those every ten minutes. It is still absolutely no excuse for us to let that precious little gauntlet in your hand to run dry. I don’t want to point fingers, but there was a man in here a minute ago who drastically changed the temperature of his beverage by using half the milk in that carafe… but I am not going to place the blame on him.

I will place the blame on us, and our inconsiderate carafe sizes. Judging from your reaction right now, this is clearly the absolute worse thing that could ever happen in your life. I don’t blame you, how are you supposed to grab the full one sitting next to you, or even worse, walk the two steps over to us with the empty one so we can take fifteen seconds to refill it. There is only one way to describe us here, ignorant heartless bastards.

Please find it in your heart to forgive us, I am not going to worry about those stupid health code people worrying about the temperatures of our milk in order to guard you from food born illnesses, because clearly they are not thinking of the heart failure that such practices will cause if something runs out. There are bigger health risks at hand, that you sir, have brought to our attention today.

Thank you so much, for taking the time to go into a complete and utter panic over something so ridiculous. It is people like you that remind me every day how much I absolutely hate dealing with the public.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Dear "Job Threatener"

Dear “I will threaten your job in order to get what I want”,

Let me first express me condolences that we sold out of the particular muffin you wanted by 2pm. I also want you to know that I take your threats very seriously of keeping my retail position based on your needs of a low fat treat. Never has there been more of a reason for someone to be let go of their current position.

I am cursing myself right now for you not getting what your heart desires. I also understand that this is most likely the only thing you eat all day long, after all, we are in the city of Angels where image is everything. I would hate for you to destroy that cougar figure you have going on by caving in to one of the other fifty low fat options we have.

Your anger over this issue is commendable, and it makes you look like a hero to all those who have had to experience the horrors of not getting the muffin they deserve. Thank you for saving me the time of giving you my bosses card, since you have already voiced your concerns of us running out of other morning delights by the afternoon to him. I hope, with all my heart that he will have the compassion to give me another chance, even if I am following a directive to cut down on the waste of such pastries in my store.

I am so grateful that someone with your people skills, and compassion, has the power to take this dream job away from me. I remember when I was little, and people asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up”, my answer was always “retail management”. I have yearned for the opportunity to work and serve, such gems of human beings like you. So, when you threaten to take this thrill out of my life, it sends chills down my spine.

I am pretty sure, it states clearly in our HR handbook, that if YOU are not provided with exactly what you want, it is absolutely cause for termination. Thank you for your delicate reminder, that you hold this dream job of mine in your hands. Also, what an absolute joy it is to discuss with my staff, and bosses, what an extreme bitch you are. Thank you for your patronage.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Dear "I come here everyday"

Dear “I come in here everyday”,

Yes, oh, we know you come here everyday, and let me just say what a pleasure it is to see you …. Every… day. This may come as a shock, but there are many people who frequent the same coffee shop. I totally understand how you may think you’re the only regular we have. I am so sorry there are days you have to wait an extra minute for your beverage.

Let me give you some helpful hints so you can better understand the process. Well, first there is what we like to call a “line”. From that line, we make drinks in the order they are received. SO, when you see the line is, how would you say… um, long, you should be prepared that it may take longer than say, when the line is, short.

Being a COFFEE shop, the line will tend to be longer in the morning time, since this particular beverage is usually enjoyed in the morning. Therefore, in the morning when you are here, there MAY be people in front of you. Oh, wait, that’s right, but you’re the one that comes in everyday, and it is proper business practice for said person to bypass any social manner system and be pushed to the front. I will discuss that with the higher ups, but I have to tell you, it is still going to be the same order, because you all come here everyday.

I will also take the time to explain to you, that each order needs to be prepared by a real human being. I know, sometimes you forget to think of us as fellow human beings, it is hard for you. So as these humans quickly prepare each drink… in order…. Yours will be called out shortly. I can only imagine the stress that this may cause you, and how you have to survive through your day with us running an establishment with such medieval rules must make you want to pull your hair out.

Might I recommend a suggestion box with your company for a vending machine? That way you can stand in front of an inanimate object and wait for that machine to give you your beverage. Another option may be to try to make it yourself, it is very complex, you will need hot water.. never mind, scratch that idea, I don’t want you to burn yourself.

In the end, I understand your judgment of us, I really do, and the problems we cause in your life are very overwhelming, but I can’t help noticing your AIG badge as we have this conversation, and it kind of makes me think, you have a much better insight of what it is to screw people over than we do. Think about it. Have a lovely day!

Sincerely,

Maggie

Dear "Mr. I Know More Than You"

Dear “Mr. I know more about your machinery than you do”,

Let me start by saying good morning to you as well. Now, as for your question of whether or not I can warm your coffee up in our microwave, let me again tell you no, because we do not have a microwave. Yes, I understand you see us heating up sandwiches in a high temp oven, but let me assure you, you don’t want me to put this paper cup in that.

What’s that you say? I can? Oh! I’m sorry, you clearly have more of an understanding of how everything in here works than I do. Thank GOD you came in, all these years I was told NOT to do that, but since YOU say it is okay, it MUST be.

I know, I know, how dare I offer to actually pour you a new cup, instead of simply putting this beverage in the oven. Stupid retail worker me. How on earth do these stores function without your intelligent observations. I was going to let you know that dumping half of your coffee out in the trash, then filling the rest up with milk was the root of the problem, but again, I must be wrong, what would I know?

Oh, you have another option? You want me to put the steam wand in your cup and reheat that way? I am sure everyone would appreciate that. Why should anyone be bothered by us contaminating our equipment with your particular germs, once again you wow me with your problem solving techniques, they are for more effective than my own.

To think, I was just going to recommend you let me make you a coffee with steamed milk, so it doesn’t mess with the temperature. How crazy am I?? Can you believe they let someone like me run this joint? Crazy corporation.

In the end, let me commend you for your stand in the end. As children we are told to not throw a fit when we don’t get our way, but way to challenge the norm sir! That’s right, storm out of here, it will make me think long and hard about the poor decisions I make, and not at all about what an asshole you are. Have a wonderful day.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Intro Letter

Dear Anyone who has ever worked retail,

I have been working retail for twenty plus years, and every day, there is something that happens where I have to pretend is a total natural and worthy reaction. After so many years, I find myself getting so wrapped up having to say what is expected instead of what I want to. In order to make the most of this life I am temporarily leading, I have decided to create a blog of letters I would like to send to these wack jobs, instead of the staple “I’m so sorry, and you are right” reactions I have to give out every day.

I would like to give a special shout out to a special little place in Santa Monica, where much of my material will come from.

Enjoy……